Alien at the Post Office

December 19, 1995

So I walk out of my local post office today, and there's a guy running his leaf blower to clear some leaves off of the sidewalk. I walk up close to him and say, "Noise pollution". He says, "What?". I say again, just a bit louder, "Noise pollution." I say "Use a broom." Then he launches into a monologue.

He says me and my people have really screwed things up. "See those clouds up there?" He says it's the town's fault, that they don't trim the eucalyptus trees properly. "By the year 2000 everything negative is going to be positive and everything positive is going to be negative."

He says we had better parole Clinton.

He says he's from another planet and he pulls 4 rough crystal rocks out of his pocket. He says they're diamonds, and that they are all over the place where he is from. His people have been living on this planet for years and they are going to have to come back and clean this place up because we humans have messed it up so bad.

He reaches into his other pocket, saying "Ever heard of Star Trek, the tricorder?". Out comes this little black rectangular plastic box with three transparent dome-shaped bumps on it. The whole thing is kind of beat up and scratched.

"See my nose?" he says. I'm looking at the red veins in his nose and cheeks. He must drink, I think to myself. He's also puffing this long cigar with a plastic mouthpiece. "This is what we are evolving to be." I guess he means that his race all looks like that.

He says the environmentalists have really messed things up. As I walk away, he says a few more things, and his voice trails away. I look back and he's sweeping the sidewalk with a broom.

This is a true story. This really happened to me in Albany, California.

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